top of page

Your Pain is not in Vain.

It was Tuesday morning, three weeks after Paul died. I was supposed to work at 2PM but instead I was at the cemetery drinking liquor out the bottle. The last thing I remember was rear ending a city bus and watching the driver as she began to evacuate the passengers. I knew I was drunk and it would’ve been my second accident that week, so I made a left at the light and got on the freeway. I must’ve been going too fast and lost control of the car because I woke up 12 hours later in the hospital unable to speak with a tube down my throat helping me to breathe.

For He says to Moses, “I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion.” It does not, therefore, depend on human desire or effort, but on God’s mercy. ~Romans 9:15-16

Remarkably, when I woke up I was able to give the doctors my house phone number with my fingers and they called my parents. My mom said the staff wondered why it had been twelve hours and no one came looking for this 18 year old girl. It was between 1-2 AM when my family finally arrived. My mom said I had weeds all in my hair and my head was swollen like a pumpkin. In the accident the car rolled over three times into a ditch and half my body was thrown out of the car and then it landed on my head. The police report stated that it took five men to lift the car off of me. Among a few minor injuries, I had reconstructive jaw surgery and remained in the hospital for twelve days. And later my dad told me that when he went to see the car the man told him, “I’m sorry for your loss.” Based on the appearance of the vehicle the man assumed no one lived through that accident.

Xray of jaw bone after reconstructive surgery.
This picture of my jaw was taken 5 years ago, but the plates and screws you see were placed 20 years ago. While the wound has healed, the scars are a reminder to me that when we're living life too fast, God can and will slow us down.

The enemy tried to take my life that day. But God had a different plan. For years I wondered why did God keep me alive. I should have been dead. I flatlined at the scene. But by God’s grace, He brought me back to life. It was a long road to recovery, I didn't eat solid food for months. I was emotionally healing from the loss of a loved one, and my physical body was healing as well. And because of the nature of the accident I ended up with a reckless driving charge on my record, which could have been a drunk driving charge but God saved me from that as well. I voluntarily entered an outpatient rehab program and stayed sober for about a year. You would think after almost losing my life and my boyfriend three weeks before, I would’ve fully surrendered my heart to the Lord. But that was not the case.

No weapon formed against you shall prosper, And every tongue which rises against you in judgment You shall condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, And their righteousness is from Me,” Says the LORD. ~Isaiah 54:17

However, today I am not that same girl. And the testimony of what God has done in my life is nothing short of a miracle. If I had known back then, what I know now about God and the Truth of who Jesus is, my life would have taken a different path. But God has a way of drawing people to Him. He gives us free will to choose Him. Romans 8:28 says, that “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” This couldn’t be more true. Even in our poor choices and countless mistakes, God uses everything that we go through and turns it around for His glory & for the good of His Kingdom.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ he is a new creation. The old has passed away and see the new has come. ~2 Corinthians 5:17

So if you’re reading this and your life isn’t fully surrendered to God, I want to say that God sees you. He will not stop pursuing you. He will continue to chase you, even in your sin. If you’re like me, sometimes we hit rock bottom… but life on a downward spiral can lead to an even lower bottom. It took me 18 years after the accident living life following my own desires, chasing my addictions & leading myself to finally realize that God was the answer to everything. He was the answer to my broken heart, he was the answer to my fears, He was the answer to the loss of my identity. My whole life I thought I was in control, but in reality I was out of control.

Jesus answered and said to him, “If anyone loves Me, he will keep My word; and My Father will love him, and We will come to him and make Our home with him. ~John 14:23

True freedom is found in a personal relationship with Jesus. God is a true Gentleman. He will never force Himself on you. It’s easy to believe that when you surrender your life to God, He will control you & that you have to live by His rules & follow all His commandments. But it’s just the opposite. When you surrender your life to God, He guides you by His Spirit and leads you into all Truth. You learn of His compassionate heart & His grace. He teaches you & demonstrates His mercy & kindness. And when you encounter His unconditional love, it causes you to serve Him in obedience out of love & commitment because He first loved you. Your life has a purpose. Your testimony is for somebody. Your pain has a purpose. Everything that you went through is not in vain. What the devil intended for evil, God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.

We love because He first loved us. ~1 John 4:19


Let’s Pray,

Heavenly Father,

I thank you for your redeeming grace. I thank you for your mercy and your compassion. Lord I lift up each woman who is still living life on her own. I lift her up in the name of Jesus, your Son, our Savior. I declare your word over her today as your Word does not return void. It accomplishes all that you want and prospers everywhere you send it. So Lord I declare abundant life over your daughter according to John 10:10, Jesus said that He has come to bring life and that they may have life more abundantly. Lord I pray that you will give her the desires of her heart but if those desires are not in line with yours, change her heart God. Draw her near to you Lord & allow her to feel your presence as you draw near to her. In the name of Jesus I cancel every assignment from the kingdom of darkness intended to draw her away from you Lord. I declare your will in her life. I declare that her spiritual eyes are opened today in Jesus name. I declare that her spiritual ears are tuned in to your voice alone in the name of Jesus. I declare freedom over her from this day forth, that she may walk free from the chains that have kept her bound. I declare broken hearts healed and addictions gone in Jesus name. Lord and as you are revealing yourself to her in a new way, I declare that her identity will be rooted in Jesus. That she will no longer see herself as the world sees her, but from today forward, she will see herself as You see her. As a daughter of the most High God. As a royal princess who was born for such a time as this.

In Jesus name.



If you need extra prayer today, or want to fully surrender you life over to Jesus we want to come alongside you. If you struggle with addiction, we want to hold your hand as you take a step of faith. If there’s something holding you back but you’re not sure what it is, reach out and let’s explore that together. You’re not alone. And you are loved. God is no respecter of persons, His healing hand reaches far beyond just me. Healing is your portion. Abundant life is your portion. Freedom is yours, in Jesus name.

Recent Posts

See All


bottom of page